Good morning, afternoon, evening Internet.
Yes, I’m still around. It has been almost exactly one month since I have made a post. I apologize for my absence, life has been.. well pretty hard. Do you ever feel like life is just too much? You get overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or in a general funk? Well, my feelings hit like me like a dump truck, running me down.
I am not looking for sympathy, rather, just a place to vent my feelings. I was brought up that you don’t share these feelings with the public, that it was “airing your dirty laundry” to the world. However, I want to talk about this, I want to understand more, and most importantly, I want to be someone that can be open and honest, because it just might help the next person out! So please, don’t be a stranger. If you are reading this, and it applies to you, don’t hesitate to send me a message.
I apologize for not posting more book reviews. I have several lined up, and hopefully, I can pull myself together to just sit down and finish them. Isn’t that the weirdest thing? I love reading so much, but I just can’t seem to get myself together and finish a book. I find my mind wandering away, or re-reading the same page over and over. There is simply no motivation. This doesn’t just apply to books too, I have barely played a video game in weeks, picked up a pencil and doodled around, or finish my shows (Poldark anyone?). These are all things I love so much. Depression is a weird thing, it doesn’t let you enjoy your life, even though all of these things are at my fingertips.
And don’t even get me started on actually acting like an adult. The dishes are piled high, spilling over from the sink to the countertops. I have piles of clothes that need to be washed. A bunch of junk that needs to be tossed or given away. Can’t get my lazy butt up to do it.
I can’t write. Even writing this is a struggle. What about all of those classes I bought to better my writing skills? Hmm, I couldn’t tell you when I last logged in. My dreams of writing a book by the end of the year (more like a draft) are slowly fading away. Do I still want to? Of course, but I can’t seem to pick up that pencil.
Let’s take it to the next level. Money. We all need it to survive. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job, but working at a public library isn’t going to bring in the big bucks. “Well, go to school! Get a four-year degree and you can apply for more jobs!”
…… with what money?!?…..
I’m going to assume that not many of my followers have worked for a library before. Let me break it down for you: It is just like working as a teacher, we don’t do it for money, we do it because we love it. We love the aspect of learning, of knowledge, to have a community sense. Jobs are scarce within the library field unless you are working for a big-time library in California or something. Sure, I could find some loans. Maybe a grant or two. But I would have to lower my hours so I could focus on getting through school, so I still need more money to cover my bills. Especially if my husband and I plan to extend our family in the near future.
By the way, never have kids. I’m the idiot who won’t follow my own advice because I have dreamed about being a mother for years. But having a baby is freaking expensive! News flash, I do not have health insurance. Most people my age do not unless you are lucky enough to be on mom or dad’s insurance (oh, how I miss those days). My sister-in-law just had her baby. First bill, for a healthy, not complicated birth, $16,000.
I only spent a little over $5,000 for my car…
All of this, swirling around in my head, at a near constant pace. If this wasn’t enough, I have had a couple of health scares. Nothing too bad, I am just afraid that I am hypoglycemic. So I need to clean up my diet, eat less sugar, and get my lazy butt up for some jumping jacks. I can’t afford a doctor’s visit. Luckily, I have an amazing people in my small support group so I will schedule a quick trip, at least to get it checked out and see if I’m worrying over anything or not.
Anyways. Have I scared you off yet? No? Do you feel the same way I do? We are not alone. According to Medical News Today,
Is anxiety increasing in the U.S.?
Much debate surrounds this question. Is anxiety on the rise, or are we simply more inclined to think and speak about it these days? This is a tough question to pick apart, but we must try.
The American Psychiatric Association ran a poll on 1,000 U.S. residents in 2017, and they found that nearly two thirds were “extremely or somewhat anxious about health and safety for themselves and their families and more than a third are more anxious overall than last year.”
Anxiety in the U.S. may be impacting millennials most.
They also noted that millennials were the most anxious generation.
In 2018, the same poll was repeated. Anxiety was shown to have risen again by another 5 percent.
Millennials were revealed to still be the most anxious generation.
The anxiety I feel is astronomical, to say the least. A constant feeling of someone pushing down on my chest, making my heart constrict, light headed, feeling inadequate, struggling for understanding. Most nights I lay awake, wondering how to make it all work.
How do I accomplish my goals? To love my job, get paid well, to write for fun and turn it into something more? To be a good wife? To cook and clean every night when I get home, instead of being tempted to eat the container of ice cream in the freezer? To be a good mother to my future children, to not let them see me sitting on the kitchen floor, with tears streaming down my face? That is just scratching the surface of all things.
I am no guru, no Rachel Hollis. I do not have these answers. Instead, I use dark humor and music to get me through the day (Hello, blasting Audioslave through my headset right now. Chris Cornell will always be my role model, may he rest in peace). I keep the mindset of “One day at a time”. Sunday may be the greatest day, but Monday rolls around. Nothing goes right. Work was sucky. I burnt dinner. I let the chores pile up again. Bills come around, half my bank account is gone. It’s okay. It is one day at a time. Tuesday will be better. Tuesday, I’ll make myself a good breakfast. I’ll sit outside in the sun for a while. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face. For dinner, I’ll throw something in the crockpot, let IT do all the cooking for me. I’ll pick up my book, pencil, whatever and do at least 15 minutes of something I enjoy. I’ll reward myself with a LUSH bath bomb and a hot bath. Wednesday, I’ll do it all over again. By the time Saturday comes around, my whole week might be turned around. Or it might not be. I’ll figure it out as it comes.
The point to this long, ranty speech is that I will be okay, things will be okay. It won’t go away overnight. My biggest dream is to be at some point in the future, have this situation happen to me: it’s Christmas Eve, my kids are giggling and won’t go to sleep, my husband and I just finished wrapping up the last presents, and I lay in bed and watch the snow drift outside, thinking to myself, “It’s okay. I’ve made it.”
I plan to make more posts like this. Will it do any good? Maybe. I hope that it helps heal me. Could it help someone else? God, I hope so. Being alone sucks. Let this crazy, book-loving lady maybe provide some comforting words to you. I’ll try to dissect it down, almost like mini-chapters. If this isn’t your cup of tea, it won’t offend me if you skip over this post.
Until next time,
The Library Lady